Its always seems colder when you have no one to hold you tight in the empty night.

why is it i seem to only make good friends when i am at a distance? I don't know why. Am I creepy up close? do i come off as too intense, too boring, too weird? what is it about me that prevents me from making friends with people that are not stoners? I always make one stoner friend. I don't even drink or toke around people that don't do that stuff.

Oh my head hurts. it hurts bad. I have been dreaming again. blood and fear and loss all piling up in my head like leaves in autumn. After a night of dreaming i get more despondent than before and now nothing works. I can't drink to have a dreamless sleep. Weed no longer works. Meditation was useless. I look inward and find i have no center, nothing that keeps me grounded. it all flies away in the winds of change.

I don't get it. They say stop doing all that bad stuff and life becomes clearer and better. It all sucks so much donkey ass. I have nothing to keep me here or anywhere. I have been thinking of just walking. of walking to the distance and finding a life somewhere over the horizon. might be a shitty life but at least it is a life. right now i have nothing other than my mind to keep me sane. I cling to no material desires other than food and shelter. no drugs hold sway over me. I don't need my family and right now i would be better off away from them.

I cannot find any contentment in my life. i can't find work and that is killing me above all else. no purpose, no sense of belonging or being needed. what do I do?

what do I do?